It's been a couple days and here is what happened:

1. I told the Sadkhin Complex to go fuck itself.

2. I joined Weight Watchers online. I've been really good on it so far, keeping up healthy eating habits, eating "bad" food moderately (ex: i had small fries one day. last night i ate sushi.).

3. I SUCK at exercising. I need to to do it I know. I kept telling myself I would do Slim in 6 6 days a week, but I didn't do it friday, saturday, or today. On Tuesday I'm starting ChaLean Extreme, hoping it hold my motivation better. It's not that I don't like Slim in 6. It's a nice program. But I need something intense to hold my motivation up I think. I guess we will see what happens. I'm trying to be active in some way everyday. Thursday night I went out dancing. Friday I took the dog for a longish walk. Saturday was a waste, I can admit it. So is today (Sunday).

I weighed myself this morning and get 257.5. How is that possible? I've been keeping my diet, I've been exercising, I don't get why the scale says I gained 4 pounds. When I weighed myself on Thursday it said 253.5. My goal this week was to break 250. Well that's not happening. I feel really down on myself, but I'm proud that I'm not pigging out like I would normally. I wish I could just cut my fat out with a pair of scissors. Getting in shape HURTS. I want to get to that point where I need to work out everyday for my sanity. How do people like that exist? It's like they're not happy unless a part of their body is cramping from exercise stress. I want that. Unfortuneatly I have a million other things in mind... like how the only guy who wants to hang out with me is my ex-boyfriend. That bums me out so hard. I know I have a lot to give, but a little voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that no one will give even half a shit about me until I lose weight. I hate that voice.

I'm going to keep trying. Hopefully my mood improves.

I skipped my workout yesterday and this is why:

I'm in nursing school. Wednesdays are by far the hardest day for me because I'm on my feet all day in the hospital. So when I got home from clinical, I was all hyped to do my Slim in 6 workout but then the phone rang and I flopped onto my bed to answer it and... well, I didn't get up. I literally passed out for 2 hours.

Can someone say REALLY REALLY OUT OF SHAPE??

When I woke up I felt like shit, as I always do after naps. I scheduled my workout for 5:30. It was 8 when I woke up. So I decided to fuck it and make Wednesday my rest day and promised myself I would work out Thursday thru Tuesday for the next 6 weeks. I still felt bad for not doing the work out, but honestly I need to make the workout schedule fit my life or I'll never do it.

I just need to repeat my mantra: P90X in 2012, P90X in 2012, P90X in 2012.

Here's what I ate yesterday:

Kashi Go Lean protein bar

1 banana

a grande skim pumpkin spice latte (My weakness!! and it was 6 in the morning, i needed a little motivation for my morning drive.)

1 light yoplait blueberry yogurt

another small coffee with skim milk

half of a veggie burger with 1/4 of the bun (I hate buns. So much bread you don't even think about. So I take off the bottom part and eat it open faced.)

small spinach salad with balsamic vinegar and like a tbsp of cheese

can of chunky healthy choice savory vegetable soup (only 240 calories per can!)

pineapple frozen fruit bar (which I'm starting to prefer to ice cream and it's only 80 calories)

1/2 cup cottage cheese with pomegrante seeds

luna bar (I had a CRAZY late night craving that did not want to be ignored.)

So that bring my total to:

About 1740 calories.

I need to stop the late night snacking, for real. If I hadn't eaten the cottage cheese and luna bar, I would have been at 1410. Ah Well. Hopefully today will be better, although I did have some pudding at lunch... another weakness haha.

I don't think I did so bad today!

I did the first workout from Slim in 6. By the end of this workout, I was definitely exhausted. But I'm excited to do it again tomorrow. The more I think about it the more I'd like my goal to complete the P90X program become a reality. People are so used to marking their goals in pounds, but that never worked for me. Maybe if I choose a destination, like the end of P90X, I'll be more successful.

Foodwise, I wasn't so bad. But I wasn't so good either:

1 Avacado

1 Tomato

1 veggie burger (no bun)

~cup of mashed butternut squash (SO GOOD. I made it with salt, pepper, a little half and half and some honey)

6 oz blackberries

1 PBJ (this was bad I know. but I wasn't home and I was so hungry!! I imagine it wasn't more than 350 calories.)

~cup green grapes

~1/2 cup cottage cheese topped with pomegranate seeds

1 can tuna with 1 tbsp mayo

bag of soy crisps

1 frozen fruit bar (only 80 calories!)

Ugh. When I read all that I really feel like I pigged out today, even though I know that it's really not all that much... I'm going to calculate how many calories all of that is:

1583 calories.

Oh jesus. I didn't think I was THAT bad. I thought all of that was 1000 calories at the most.

Lesson learned: COUNT THE FUCKING CALORIES FROM NOW ON!

I can do it?

So... alright. I'm finally ready to do this I think. I am currently downloading a SHIT TON of exercise videos, Ashtanga Yoga, Power 90, P90x (aim high, aren't I?), Slim in 6, and Chalean Extreme.

Think I'm overdoing it?

I started the Sadkhin Complex about 2 weeks ago and I'm having a super hard time with it. Just eating dairy and vegetables is pretty difficult as it is without my MEGA cravings. I keep starting out good at the beginning of the day and then slowly deteriorate. It's not even like I feel like I'm cheating that much on it, but look at what I'm supposed to have:

1.5 pounds of vegetables/fruits every 2 days. 20 oz of full fat dairy every other 2 days. You can have up to 6 tsp of honey a day.

I know it sounds crazy, but the whole plan has to do with accu pressure and sending signals to your brain by stimulating certain points every two hours that make your body use your fat reserves. It's real. I promise.

Anyway.

Yesterday was my dairy day. 20oz. of full fat dairy. This is what I ACTUALLY had yesterday:

1. ~cup cottage cheese with pomegranate seeds on top (Good.)

2. 6 oz of 2% greek yogurt w/pineapple (Kinda good. I'm not supposed to have 2%. And not with pineapple. But I was like, fuck it.)

3. 3 small apple pancakes with about a tsp of honey (Huge mistake. I was at a friends. They smelled really good.)

4. 1/4 cup of fried potatoes (With the pancakes. I suck!)

5. A whole bowl of leftover tofu and broccoli in garlic sauce (Ugh. I was so effing hungry by the time I got home from the pancake/potato thing that I just dumped all this leftover shit I had in my fridge that I shouldn't have even got in the first place in a skillet and scarfed it down.)

6. 2 eggs (at a diner with a melancholy friend)

7. ~cup of cottage cheese (with my eggs)

8. Mixed fruit cup from a dinner (also with my eggs. was prob chock full of sugar)

9. 1/2 of a sundae with melancholy friend to cheer her up (ugh. just... ugh. I hate myself.)

So you can see I'm trying. BUT I'M STILL EATING LIKE A FUCKING BOAR. ew. EW!

Now, I know I'm being hard of myself. But I'm realizing that portion control is a SERIOUS issue with me. If I'm not eating till I burst, I'm just not satisfied. It's sad. But I'm working on it. And I'll stick with it as long as I have to, even if the counselor for the Sadkhin Complex is a heinous bitch and made me feel bad last week for "only losing 7 pounds".

So I guess another challenge I'm facing is staying motivated even though my support system is below par. My friends don't understand it. Aforementioned counselor is a bitch. My mom lost 50 pounds on it but makes me feel like a retard because the plan was "soooo easy for me!" So yeah.

So this is what my plan is, as dumb and counterintuitive as it seems:

1. Try to stay on the Sadkhin plan as strictly as I can.

2. Accept that I am human and have a social life and that there will be times where I don't stick to it. But the times I don't stick to it, I have to make HEALTHY choices.

3. Stay away from meat. Fish is ok.

4. Work out. They don't recommend that you work out on Sadkhin because obviously, you're not really eating that much. But if I am going to stray, I have to make an effort to burn off the extra shit I ate. Hence, workout video downloading marathon.

5. Stick to the workout plan. 1 video, 6 days a week, 1 day rest. I'm thinking of either starting with Slim in 6, which is a 6 week routine, or Chalean Extreme, which I think is 13 weeks. Eventually I want to work myself up to p90x, although that is a LOFTY goal.

So that's the plan. I'm trying really hard not to get discouraged about it.

Lastly, a BEFORE picture for the record. I am currently 254lbs. I'm hoping to break 250 by Sunday when I have to go to the Sadkhin place again. It's Tuesday. Maybe I should make a better goal. Ok. 252 by Sunday.